Boom. Boom. Boom
“112 Italian emergency lines, what is your emergency?”
“S..someone…someone is trying to break into my house” I stuttered
“Are you in danger, Miss? “
“Not yet, but please hurry, I am scared”
“We will be there as soon as we can”
In the 40 minutes that pass until the police show up, I have blocked the doors as well as I could with my shaking hands, put on some relaxing music for my daughters so they won’t wake up from the noise, done my tactical breathing exercises to try to slow down my heart a little, which seemed to be ready to explode, and placed my weapons near the doors. A baseball bat, a kitchen knife, 2 ninja stars. I have covered the windows with curtains so he can’t see anything. If he manages to come in, I will break him. I will make him pay for everything he did. I will watch him take his last breath…. I was thinking. But then I will be arrested and then what happens to my girls? I am a single mother, they have no one but me. And no one loves them like me. I must stay calm. I must swallow my pride, my anger, my frustration. Repress the adrenalin. Fight the fear.
The shaking doesn’t stop. I start sweating. Where the fuck are the police???? The banging continues. I call my mother. “Mom, if something happens to me, promise me you will take care, the best care you can, of the girls, please!” “Mirav, what on earth are you talking about?”
Boom. Boom. Boom. “What is that noise?” she asked “He is trying to break into the house mom. The police are on their way, stay on the line with me, will you?”
Back to my tactical breathing. No one tells you it can be this fucking hard to focus; this scary. And I am supposed to be trained for this. Why are the police not here yet!!!!! What could be more important! No wonder there are so many cases of violence against women and murder every day here… I miss Israel. I even miss Ibiza. The police are better there. I know no one here. I live in an isolated area. There is no one to help me. Where the fuck is the police!
They finally came. The banging stopped. They come to the door, I greet them. They ask who tried to break into the house “Its the guy next door” I answer. They go to find him. I know too well, he will deny, they will leave, disregarding me as an “emotional” woman and nothing will change, but at least the shaking stopped, and for 10 minutes I wasn’t scared anymore.
The Fear Factor
Nothing prepares you for the fear. I can write about it until tomorrow, but when you are scared, you are scared. You shit your pants, you vomit, you shake, you cry, you laugh hysterically, and your mind plays tricks on you. Understanding fear doesn’t help. The tactical breathing brings more oxygen to your brain and helps you to calm- a little bit- your heartbeat, but it still doesn’t “help”. I wish I could give you a trick, a mantra, a link to a magic potion to order online that would take it away, maybe even take it and replace it with courage! I am really sorry, there is no such thing. But you know what, you know what is courage? It is not replacing the fear or not feeling it – it is acting despite it! And this, my dear reader, is what I want to tell you. No lies, no “don’t worry” and no pat on the shoulder. I want to tell you the truth: you will be scared. You will shit your pants. Accept it. Let it be. Don’t fight it, don’t deny it, don’t reject it. There is only one thing you can do – do it scared.
Defend yourself, fight, do what you need to do, although you are shaking. Although you are shocked. Although a voice in you tells you-you are going to get hurt. Fuck it. Do it scared.